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Secret Gov’t Project Revealed…
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, S**t!”

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were – “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”

You alright there mate?…
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, “Roger!”, and was relieved to hear a faint reply.

“Okay Rodge,” shouted Barry, “I’m gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it ’round one of your legs and..” but before he could finish, he heard Roger call – “But both my legs are broke.”

Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was “They’re broken too!”

So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, “You alright there mate?” to which Rodger replied,”YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS……..”

The not so bright hunter…
Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out. He didn’t come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.

He said “I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill deer.”

So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.

He said “I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill buffalo.”

The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn’t returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said “I find tracks…I follow tracks…and…I got hit by a train.”

A Gift from Little Johnny…
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!” “That’s right!” shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, little johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” little johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”

Little johnny replied, “A puppy!”

Women’s Thoughts

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?”
Clear as a bell my body said, “listen witch…do it and die!”

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?

A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them

Q: Why did the man cross the road?

A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

A: They don’t have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?

A: They won’t stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?

A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: We don’t know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A: A Widow.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?

A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?

A: “Practice makes perfect.”

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?

A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A: They are married.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God says: “So you would love her.”

“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”

God says: “So she would love you.”

Blonde Jokes
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

“What’s the moaning all about, ma’am?” asked the officer.

The blonde replied, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!”

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave.” he replied.

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde’s blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

“I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working.”

The Blonde friend replied, “It’s people like you who give us blondes a bad name! Duh! You have to roll up the windows first!”

Tech Support Jokes
Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”

Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It’s defective!”

Tech Support: “You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.”

Customer: (sputter) (click)

Tech Support: (snicker)

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech support number, complaining about the error message: “Can’t find the printer.”

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it!

An IM Techie was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, “It’s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]

“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

[pause] “Yes, it is.”

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

[clear again] “No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!”